There's this word. It's been burned in my memory since the day I first heard it. The thing is, I don't know when I first heard it. I mean, my parents must have set me down and told me at some point, but it must have been a long time ago, because I don't remember it happening. And it seems like something I would have remembered. I'm only 14; there aren't too many monumental things that have happened to me. And learning this word- that's definitely a monumental kind of event.
Thinking back, maybe my parents didn't tell me this word. Maybe they didn't sit me down and tell me about it. But then, thinking again, it doesn't seem like the kind of word that everyone knows. It's not like cancer or arthritis, it's not one of the words you seem to have just been born knowing. So I must have learned it from my parents. I just wish I could remember what they said, so I could make more sense of the word.

...A...

It's funny to think about. When you flip through the dictionary, there are so many words flying by you. Dozens of words, hundreds of words, thousands of words, millions of words. And each word has drastically affected someone's life. Well, maybe not "the". I highly doubt anyone's life has ever been completely changed by the word "the". But the other words... When you're going through the dictionary, trying to find the definitions of the words on your English vocab list, you are annoyed by the presence of the other words. They are making your work difficult, take longer. They just lie there in print, and you despise them. You could care less about "berkelium" and "bowleg", you just want to find "burnoose". You don't think about the people who may have been affected by a certain radioactive element or an outwardly curved leg.
There are so many definitions in the dictionary that we don't even take a minute to look at. But each word... it must make at least one person stop and read the definition because of his personal experience with it. The dictionary has a way of making everything seem simple, uncomplicated, and painless. Every definition is downplayed, as if it shouldn't affect people as much as it does.

...U...

Sometimes the worst part about having to deal with pain is that there doesn't seem to be anyone who understands. You can tell people, you can collapse on the ground in front of them sobbing, but that won't make them get it. Sure, they'll rub your shoulder, tell you it will be alright, reassure you that you're not stupid for feeling the way you feel, but they will probably never understand. Not even people who go through the same situation can ever truly understand you. Being a 14 year old dealing with a problem is a completely different situation than being a 40 year old dealing with the same problem. Being a mother and being a daughter suffering the same problem- it's also completely different. No one will ever truly get why you're crying over something that is seemingly trivial. No matter how much people love you and want to be able to help you, understand you, they will never be able to. Because they just don't get it.

...T...

The thing about trust is that it's too much to place with one person entirely. If you think about it, you're giving yourself to that person when you give them your trust. And they can break you as easily as they can help you. Even easier to hurt you, probably.  Of course, this is post-betrayal speaking. It's easier to trust when no one has betrayed your confidence. Afterwards... I can only assume that you need someone incredibly special to help you build that trust back up. Friends can help to temporarily build it back up, but it will have limits, limits that were not there before. There will probably always be limits, even after someone special comes along to build your trust back up. Trust will never again be easy. Just because of one person, saying one thing. It doesn't necessarily even have to be a sentence. It can be a word, an action, a look. The heart is a delicate organ, it doesn't take much for it to be shattered. The heart also takes a long time to heal. It only takes a second to shatter, but years to mend.

...I...

The brain tends to over think things. It takes the smallest thing and turns it into a big deal. That's the main reason we have fears. Our brain can see the similarities in a situation that previously proved to be dangerous and scare us into avoiding the situation. Afraid of horses? I suppose that could be said, but the truth is that I'm afraid of being run over by one again. But afraid of my brother? Would I say that? The truth is, I'm afraid of being hurt again.
I always hated people who use violence against other people, and then cower in corners when they themselves are threatened. But my brother... he has turned me into the very kind of person that I despise. I have turned to violence to protect myself, and I cower in corners because I don't want to be hit, or bitten, or kicked, or have things thrown at me. Truth is, every time I see my brother, I find myself fighting this urge to run. He evokes that in me- this desperate need to run as far away as is physically possible. When people move too fast around me or do something that reminds me of him, I feel this panic rising in me, taking me over, drowning me, so that I need to run. I need to run from the situation just so I can regain the ability to breathe. I can joke about it- tell my friends that I don't like physical contact every time they try to hug me. But joking about it doesn't make me feel any better.

...S...

Crying is the best kind of release there is. It leaves you too weak to take your anger out through violent means that you may regret later. It's especially nice in the shower. Afterwards, no one can tell the water on your face from the tears, so they assume there are no tears. The shower provides this small sanctuary from the world, where no one can touch you- get to you, talk to you, hurt you. You can just be safe. And you can feel however you want to feel- without having to hide your true emotions. You don't have to pretend to be something you're not, because no one can see you. It's important to have that place, that little corner of the world where you can go when you need to be alone. For me, that place is the roof. No one else in my family can go up there- they don't have the time. So, when I need to be alone. i just hide myself from the world. And you know what? I'm still not sure if it works.

...M...

There's this word. It has ruined my life. That is not to say that there aren't other problems with my life, there are. But none of the other problems have cost me half as much pain as this one word. This one word that lies in the "a" section. It's just... there. I try to imagine what my life would be like if that word didn't exist. If the dictionary just skipped from "authorship" to "auto". If there wasn't a word in between. But the word exists- it's there in print. One six letter word that has destroyed my life for as many years as the word has letters. One word that ruined my brother's brain and my life.

...Autism...